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Recently as I was talking to a friend I realized that I was much more upset about some relatively recent events than I had realized and that I wasn't going to be able to do anything more to get out of my depression until I resolved them. Not long ago I was confronted by someone who said that she had been told that I had said some very mean and hurtful things about her to other people, I felt terrible and confused but we talked about it for quite a while and I thought that the matter was finished until I realized that I still feel really hurt by the incident.

At first I really questioned myself, am I really that bad of a person, am I a gossip and don't realize it? I am really open and chatty, did I say something and not realize that it could have come across very differently than I meant it? I'm sure that the last part is very possibly true, it is easy to mean to say one thing but have it come across very differently. I have really been working on that and thinking more about what I want to say before I say it, I've also been MUCH more careful about who I talk to since there is only one person that could have spread what I said, being that the other person doesn't even live here.

I'm not just really upset about the fact that I was the source of hurting someone else, no matter how unintended and misunderstood, I'm also really upset that she believed that I would say those things or that I would do what I did for less than purely good reasons, I mean, I was doing something that helped her out for months and she never, not even when I tried to point it out in our conversation seemed to think; one, that what they were saying was not something I would do, and two, that what she was asking of me was too much to ask EVERY week. I really was happy to do it, don't get me wrong, I just didn't want to do that much every single week and it was getting to be a little more and a little more over time, not less or sporadic.

I'm sure that's where I made my first mistake, I was so concerned with making sure that she felt comfortable that I didn't set up perimeters that kept me comfortable as well, next, I shared my frustration with someone that I should have realized I couldn't trust.

All of this along with another incident where I asked someone to help me out with something and she went behind my back to take it over completely and then hasn't talked to me since, really had me questioning if I'm really as good of a person as I thought I was. It took a WHOLE LOT, of talking to my sweet husband and several other people who I know will be completely honest with me to even get to where I am now with it. I'm still hurt, I'm still..., I dont even really know how to describe it but I am doing better and I do at least know how I can help avoid this situation in the future so I do have some hope, and that's all I need to keep moving forward and upward out of all of this %^$)*)^%*)!(#$.